Expert's frustrations bad news for average computer users

By Peter Kent

God, I hate computers! Yes, yes, yes, I know, it's my business, but some days.

You see, I recently began writing a book about JavaScript -- a World Wide Web scripting language -- with my brother, who's a programmer. Only problem -- I'm in Denver, and he's in London. Makes discussing the work a little expensive, at 80 cents a minute.

No problem, I thought, I'll install one of those web-phone things, a program that lets you speak to another person across the Internet. You both need a sound card, a microphone, and the right software. I'd heard that one of the best was WebTalk from Quarterdeck, so I downloaded the program from their Web site (http://www.qdeck.com/) and tried it. And I was quite impressed. Quarterdeck has set up special servers -- you can connect, find a list of other people currently logged on with the program, and talk to them. This program really is quite good -- the sound was a bit warbly, not as good as a real phone conversation of course, but pretty good nonetheless. Only problem was, I could hear the other people, but they couldn't hear me. My microphone didn't seem to be working.

So, I fiddled around in Windows 95 trying to get my microphone working, but couldn't. The mike was OK, it worked on another computer. The sound card played sounds, and I could hear what I said into the mike through the speakers, but the software simply didn't pick it up.

So, onto CompuServe I go, and into the Media Vision forum, to find out what's wrong with my sound card. Well, what do you know, Media Vision had gone bankrupt, revived and announced that it was no longer in the consumer sound card business! They would, however, "support" what they sold -- just not very well. Also turned out that the Media Vision sound cards don't work well in Windows 95 -- well, I knew that -- but it might be possible to get the microphone working.

After hours of messing around, I decided it wasn't possible. There was no way I'd ever get that Media Vision thing working. So, off to Best Buy, to buy a Reveal sound card for $100. Should be easy to install this, as it was "Plug and Play" compatible -- just plug it in, and Window 95 will recognize it and install the right software. Sure. It recognized it, all right, and installed it OK, but what do you know, it didn't pick up the microphone properly, and didn't even play the sounds properly -- it just "bleeped" sounds over and over, like a chirping bird on speed.

There was a conflict between the sound card and my old sound card. You see, I'd kept the Media Vision card installed, as it's also my CD ROM interface, and, well, I need my CD-ROM drive.

So, another couple of hours messing with the Reveal sound card, trying to fix the conflict. There were a few problems, of course. The installation program disabled my CD-ROM card, the documentation that explained how to install the Windows 95 software was wrong, and the technical support line was continually busy. (Adding peripherals to PCs always has been a problem, and adding multimedia peripherals is especially difficult -- so why can't these companies produce manuals that match their software?) Finally I removed the Media Vision card and tried again. Surely now I'd be able to get the Reveal card working, even if it meant I'd have to do without the CD-ROM drive. (In fact I called Sony, the company that made the drive and asked if they had an interface card for this drive. Well, what do you know, they used to, but it's discontinued!) Nope, no luck, still couldn't get the damn thing to work; even when Windows 95 claimed there were no software conflicts, the stupid thing still chirped at me.

I got so desperate that I even called Reveal's automatic support line, only to discover what I already knew -- that these automated systems are useless. If you know anything about computers they don't tell you enough, but if you're a complete neophyte they'll totally confuse you. (Here's a tip for any of you setting up voice-mail menus. Please don't be polite! Every time they welcomed me to this menu or welcomed me to that menu, they were wasting my time, and time is valuable. In voice mail you don't want polite, you want quick.)

I got so sick of the Reveal card that I took it back, and brought home the Sound Blaster 16. They made a big fuss of this one being plug and play ("Sound Blaster 16 PnP," they called it), that I thought maybe this one really was plug and play. And when I first opened the manual I was quite impressed -- looked pretty good to me. It was a shame the instructions for starting the program that installed the Windows 95 programs turned out to be wrong. (I could see the mistake and figure out what to do, but what about people who know nothing about computers? The companies producing these products have an incredibly high return rate, and as far as I'm concerned, they deserve it.) Well, what do you know? Never did get it working. No chirping this time, just a sort of burp. I'd removed the Media Vision card, and a couple of other cards, too, but it still wouldn't work. Windows 95 said everything was fine, no conflicts. So I called technical support, and I actually got through -- well, after 20 minutes on hold. Oh, you've got a conflict, they said, even though Windows 95 says you haven't. Well, back to work: Try this IRQ, try that IRQ, this DMA, that DMA. Finally, I got sooooo sick of it. I'd already wasted more money in terms of hours wasted than I would have spent on phone calls to my brother, and I'd had enough. So I turned the machine off and removed the sound card -- that one's going back, too.

I turned the machine back on, and what do you know, the monitor was dead! No picture, no nothing. My video card, after a few months of sickness, had died.

In walks my 8-year-old boy. "Oh, I hate computers," I'm moaning, "I hate 'em!" "Yeah, dad," he says. "But you know, if you didn't have your computer, you wouldn't have a way to make money, right?" (He's concerned about that, because he knows where his money comes from!) And you know, he's quite right. That's what's so sad. Like it or not, I'm stuck with them.

Still, I've decided to buy a new computer. 166 MHz Pentium, 32 MB RAM, 6X CD-ROM drive, 17-inch monitor, brand-new sound card and speakers, a really cool system. My problem now is how I can manage to wait until it arrives!

Peter Kent is the author of Using Netscape 2.0 for Windows 95 (Que). He's currently working on The Official Netscape JavaScript Book (Netscape Press). Kent may be reached by e-mail at geek@topfloor.com.

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